I heard your heart beat today...

I am 14 weeks today...only 182 days until full term :-) Yesterday I used the Doppler at work and finally heard your heart beat. It was 155 beats per minute. What a relief. I have spent so much time preparing for the worst, building a wall for all the "what ifs" that can happen, that I have done nothing but worry if you are still there. I can't wait to start feeling you kick and move everyday so I will be less paranoid.

I worry so much about having to bury another child. I hope I can get over this soon. Just the thought of loosing you, your sister or your brothers takes my breath away all over...even though I have walked this path before, I can still never imagine it happening to me again. I took care of a patient yesterday, she was older in her 70's. She was probably in better health than me though. She came in with a complaint about her diabetes not being under control even though her blood sugar was only 149 (70-100 being normal) She was also complaining about vision issues. Her eyes were all puffy and swollen. After speaking with her for a little bit, the truth came out. Her daughter who is in her 50's was on the palliative care floor and was not expected to live through the weekend. Her daughter has pancreatic cancer. This is her only child. Watching this mother crying here eyes out for her adult daughter whom was dying was heart wrenching to me. I shared my story with her. We laughed together, she cried, her sister cried, it took everything in me to hold back tears. Just shows no matter how old you baby is, it just seems unnatural to have to bury a child before the mother and father. My heart goes out to her tonight. I will probably never know how long her daughter will make it, but she touched my heart yesterday.

I go to the doctor again on Thursday. Probably not going to be a very exciting visit. I am sure I will get to hear your heart beat again and they will measure my uterus for growth. I am hoping the December visit will be the BIG visit you should be big enough at that point to find out if you are a boy or a girl. I should be able to see you better on the ultrasound. I am excited for December. By then I should be around 18 1/2 weeks. They can normally tell the sex by 16 weeks but sometimes they wait until 20 weeks to do the ultrasound. I hope they don't make me wait until January :-P Love you!

Nohing New.........

I am suppose to have a glucose tolerance test. I am procrastinating and have not done it. I was suppose to do it the beginning of last week and the week before that I think. I am very paranoid. I ended up telling another co-worker about you at work last Sunday. I tried to listen to you heart rate via Doppler on Sunday. Me nor could 2 other people find you heat beat. Normal woman can hear a baby's heart beat between 10-12 weeks, but larger woman like myself may have more trouble....this still scares me because I could hear you sister and you brothers' heart beats. I still have all the normal pregnancy symptoms. Sore boobs, aching body, nausea, morning sickness...so I still believe you are still with me...I am just very nervous after what happened to me when I was pregnant with your 3 brothers. I believe in you and I am trying to believe in myself that we will make it though this pregnancy and live a long happy life together. I am not suppose to be able to feel your movement yet, but I swear I feel tiny little flutters on my left side where my pain has been since the beginning. I think that is where you planted your roots.

This week if you are a girl I am still loving the name Nora Rose Gunter. Ava likes it too. Your dad, not so much. I am still very stumped for a boy name. Oh well if you are a boy it will come with time.
I will be 13 weeks on Sunday and I go back to my next appointment mid-November. I think it is the 16th but I don't remember at the moment. I love you and hopefully in the next few weeks I will  really start feeling you move.